I want to go work in MacDonalds or something.

Have been doing a lot of soul searching over the weekend and as a consequence I slept appallingly badly last night. I stumbled around this morning, trying to motivate myself for another exciting day of work but I wasn't until I was at the station and tried to see what time the next train was due, that I realised I hadn't put my glasses on.

Today has been interesting! I didn't realise quite how short sighted I was. I went to see someone at their new desk downstairs and I couldn't see them until they waved at me wildly. My head hurts and my eyes ache a little.

It was an ok weekend but quite raw emotionally. Had a trip to Margate (haven't been able to stop singing "Dahn to Margit" by Chas and Dave in my head since Saturday. How fucking annoying??? :) ). Beach is lovely: lovely soft golden sand, sea looked quite clean, but the town was bloody miserable. On the way back we popped into Canterbury and I failed to buy anything, not that I tried particularly hard to do so. I wasn't feeling really gorgeous and I know that is not a good state for me to go shopping in as everything will look like shit and I'll get even more depressed. Sunday was quite a dull day, I spent ages trying to find clothes patterns and books, roasted a lamb's leg and potatoes and then ate the fruit of my labours.

The result of the weekend's thinking was that I have to try to accept things as they are, to be satisfied with them. Actually, no. I don't want that! What the hell am I saying? I always want and deserve to have the best. What I have to do is not get demotivated or depressed when I *don't* get them and to try to turn that negative emotion around to motivate me to get what I want or to make things better. The grass may be greener sometimes. Not always though. But I'm usually right when they are. I do have to work on my attention span though, sometimes things just bore me too easily and working out the difference between things being boring and green grass is an area that I need to concentrate on.

Re-did my nails yesterday. They are now looking fabulous. Totally impractical for typing but who cares?

So. I can continue to feel that way and let it colour the rest of my life, or I can try to deal with it.

So I'm trying.

Rich hasn't been working for a year and has his fees to pay. Who in their right mind is going to give us a better deal?

Said person was particularly lovely and phoned to tell me not to quit.

So I won't.

[update, it's now 80g]

had a dreadful day today. I called someone a fuckwit in an email and he unfortunately happened to walk past me at the time I was typing. He saw. He's not the easiest person in the world to get on with, and he rubs people up the wrong way severely - including me - but I don't know what it is about him knowing that I'm so worried about. Maybe that I probably wouldn't want anyone else to do the same to me I guess. Lesson learnt the hard way.

I have a nice start to the day tomorrow; going over to our network team to do some config on our firewall that they can't do because it's Unix.

Update on the laser treatment: 5 out of 6 sessions down and it's an absolute miracle. I have to see what happens after session 6 so I can get a gauge on how much it's going to cost to keep up with the maintenance, and how often I will need to go back, but I have another visible area that I will be starting (paid for myself - NHS funding only covers facial treatment) as soon as I can. Fingers crossed for a lottery win; bugger giving up work or buying a house. I know the first thing I would do if I came into some money is to book up with the Royal Free and zap from my toes to my nose.

The cooker turned up in the middle of last week, only a couple of weeks late in being delivered and I wired it up to the mains on Saturday afternoon. Went to Bluewater and didn't buy an iPhone. Today Rich and I walked from Beckenham to Greenwich, then back to Lewisham and picked up the train back to ClockHouse, probably about 8 miles in all.

Going to cambridge on Friday. One day I will have another mojito that was as good as the one bill and I had in the bar opposite-ish Kings two-ish years ago. that was before law and Barry and Pete and people leaving and work beng a bit shite and credit crunch and stupid yanks fucking up the world economy etc etc etc.

I don't remember much about that time or what happened, but I do remember the velvety lusciousness of that mojito.

I got a wedding invite at the start of the week (thank you, you know who you are!)

Rich starts work next week and has developed an interest in Aleister Crowley and the OTO. Very glad about the first thing, can't really say too much about the rest of it, don't know enough to really pass comment.

I got a receipt from college acknowledging my payment for the dressmaking course; I start in September. I am really looking forward to doing this - I need this sort of structured approach to get me out of the house and doing something for myself for a change.

I have a leaving do to go to tomorrow, should probably get quite emotional. My first manager I had at this place is going after 10 years along with three other (ex) members of staff, but I hope they'll get a good send off.

Jo's wedding reception really was a lovely thing. She looked stunning. It was fabulous and a total surprise too to see Caitlin again and finally meet her lovely girlfriend Jen. They are moving to London to start a new life and I hope to be able to catch up with them a bit more often.

I am feeling tired so I'm going to sleep soon.

"On 21/07/2008 13:25, "XXXXX XXXXX" <XXXXX.XXXXX@XXXXXX.org.uk> wrote:

> What now?

I'm stabbing M****** fucking S***** in the eyes at 2pm. If you leave now his corpse might still be twitching by the time you get here.

How are you? Good weekend?

:)

C"

Yay! I've been wanting to do this for ages, can't wait to start learning more about patterns, cutting and darts.

Work is crazy busy but still found a little time to email Andy back a couple of times <waves towards Twyford>. A *huge* project is kicking off and I'm working on it. It's incredibly scary but very exciting.