Claire Brewer: August 2008 Archives

...and you know what that means.

Problems. Technical, emotional, work-related and not. Just lots and lots of them - 13TB on this occasion.

Needed many hugs, and they were provided. They are a great team up there.

I owe Betteridge a big one. I'm using his 2G iPhone to see if I like it enough. I do. I do have to get myself a personal radio because it's the one thing that keeps me sane on the journey into and out of work, but it's been unlocked to work with my t-mobile sim (and I upgraded to 2.0.1 today which was a doddle), the range of apps is great and the sheer joy of being able to sync my contacts, Exchange email and my calendar and have it all in one place is just fantastic.

The camera is dreadful. Would I spend 100 quid and 30 a month on an O2 contract for the 3G version?

Maybe, but not yet.

I'm the first person to admit that when I'm acting like one I deserve to be treated like one, but when it's 8:30 and you're in bed, it's totally uncalled for.

That's it, I've finally lost it, I tried to tab autocomplete a unix path whilst typing up a technical document.

I want to go work in MacDonalds or something.

I know I've spelt it wrong. It's supposed to be ironic.

Have been doing a lot of soul searching over the weekend and as a consequence I slept appallingly badly last night. I stumbled around this morning, trying to motivate myself for another exciting day of work but I wasn't until I was at the station and tried to see what time the next train was due, that I realised I hadn't put my glasses on.

Today has been interesting! I didn't realise quite how short sighted I was. I went to see someone at their new desk downstairs and I couldn't see them until they waved at me wildly. My head hurts and my eyes ache a little.

It was an ok weekend but quite raw emotionally. Had a trip to Margate (haven't been able to stop singing "Dahn to Margit" by Chas and Dave in my head since Saturday. How fucking annoying??? :) ). Beach is lovely: lovely soft golden sand, sea looked quite clean, but the town was bloody miserable. On the way back we popped into Canterbury and I failed to buy anything, not that I tried particularly hard to do so. I wasn't feeling really gorgeous and I know that is not a good state for me to go shopping in as everything will look like shit and I'll get even more depressed. Sunday was quite a dull day, I spent ages trying to find clothes patterns and books, roasted a lamb's leg and potatoes and then ate the fruit of my labours.

The result of the weekend's thinking was that I have to try to accept things as they are, to be satisfied with them. Actually, no. I don't want that! What the hell am I saying? I always want and deserve to have the best. What I have to do is not get demotivated or depressed when I *don't* get them and to try to turn that negative emotion around to motivate me to get what I want or to make things better. The grass may be greener sometimes. Not always though. But I'm usually right when they are. I do have to work on my attention span though, sometimes things just bore me too easily and working out the difference between things being boring and green grass is an area that I need to concentrate on.

Re-did my nails yesterday. They are now looking fabulous. Totally impractical for typing but who cares?

I heard something yesterday that left me feeling useless, jealous, angry, angrier, homicidal, nasty, Bleugh. Just really bloody negative. (You think???)

So. I can continue to feel that way and let it colour the rest of my life, or I can try to deal with it.

So I'm trying.

I want to die. That pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

Just had the dreaded letter from the mortgage company: come November our fixed rate deal ends, they want to offload us and if we stay the monthly charge goes up by £300.

Rich hasn't been working for a year and has his fees to pay. Who in their right mind is going to give us a better deal?

I've eaten 50g of M&S Organic Milk Chocolate with Roasted Almonds (yummy) and emailed someone I was quitting after getting a particularly useless email from a certain company's support department.

Said person was particularly lovely and phoned to tell me not to quit.

So I won't.

[update, it's now 80g]

something happened today that made me laugh so much I cried. It was a great way to end a crappy day and made up for the shittyness of yesterday.

Just painted my toenails emerald green and stuck on some false fingernails. Testing fingers out in terms of length and typing ability: seems to be ok so far. The still look a little too false for my liking but they are a damn sight cheaper then the professional ones I'd like. One day I'll get them done properly. Till then I have to slum it. And the typing's not hindered, which when you're a Terminal junkie like me, is highly important.

had a dreadful day today. I called someone a fuckwit in an email and he unfortunately happened to walk past me at the time I was typing. He saw. He's not the easiest person in the world to get on with, and he rubs people up the wrong way severely - including me - but I don't know what it is about him knowing that I'm so worried about. Maybe that I probably wouldn't want anyone else to do the same to me I guess. Lesson learnt the hard way.

I have a nice start to the day tomorrow; going over to our network team to do some config on our firewall that they can't do because it's Unix.

Update on the laser treatment: 5 out of 6 sessions down and it's an absolute miracle. I have to see what happens after session 6 so I can get a gauge on how much it's going to cost to keep up with the maintenance, and how often I will need to go back, but I have another visible area that I will be starting (paid for myself - NHS funding only covers facial treatment) as soon as I can. Fingers crossed for a lottery win; bugger giving up work or buying a house. I know the first thing I would do if I came into some money is to book up with the Royal Free and zap from my toes to my nose.

Was in a huge funk on Friday. I had to work last weekend so Friday was the end of a 12 day shift. I found it so hard to get motivated at work but a last minute phone call lifted my spirits and put a smile on my face.

The cooker turned up in the middle of last week, only a couple of weeks late in being delivered and I wired it up to the mains on Saturday afternoon. Went to Bluewater and didn't buy an iPhone. Today Rich and I walked from Beckenham to Greenwich, then back to Lewisham and picked up the train back to ClockHouse, probably about 8 miles in all.