finding an apt description for life as it is right now
I can't think about a subject for this, there's too much going on around me to categorise it in a few words. The old blog is here on my laptop, exported and compressed. Maybe I'll import it and republish it one day, maybe I won't. Along with all the nice thoughts and memories there's a few nasty bits of crap there too and maybe it's just best to put it aside.
Things here are moving along slowly. Richard and I went out on Friday night and I ended up saying "I don't know where home is." I think the tablets I'm on at the moment are playing havoc with my tolerances and metabolism, after a few drinks I was wasted and have little recollection of how I got home. But I certainly agree with that statement; the flat here in London just seems to be somewhere I'm staying right now, and the house in Brighton no longer resembles the place I used to live - going back there recently and seeing someone else's possessions in it just pained me. Hopefully as I regain my bearings and my confidence I'll feel more settled.
So, where am I right now? In terms of my health I'm seeing consultants at two hospitals and waiting to see if there is funding to pay for treatment. I can appreciate that NHS cash could be spent on better things, seeing as my father's health is deteriorating rapidly as each month passes, my sister has problems with her liver and Ian's dad has also been poorly recently. And don't get me started on friends with sick partners and sick children. But I know that if I don't get funding I will have to start taking medication again for depression. I cannot deal with the effects my polycystic ovaries have on my body any more. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror again.
Richard is coming up to being a third of the way through his course. He hasn't secured pupillage for next year which is incredibly disappointing. He spent a week in hospital recently on a drip after getting an infection and was so delirious he hinted at us getting married but he's forgotten about that now. Money is tight and I hate being the only one bringing money into the house. The overtime helps a little.
I'm planning on going back to Swindon in about a month - we can't be with family over christmas so will be spending it with friends - as I want to go see the folks, it's been far too long. I want to catch up with friends too, it's been ages since I saw Neil, Charlotte and Amelie, Martin and I keep missing each other and it's only been a few weeks since we left Elle and Stephen in Brighton but it feels so much longer. People I haven't seen in years haunt me still, but too much has happened for bridges to be mended. There are some things one can never forgive, and some pain I will never forget.
I'm feeling tired and if the screeching foxes wake me up like they did last night I will not be pleased. So, goodnight.
I love the fact that you mention that your old blog is compressed, you lovable geek, you.